Who is a ‘mother apart’? Why do mothers live apart from their children?
A ‘mother apart’ is any mother who lives apart from her child on a part-time or full-time basis, on a temporary or permanent basis. Mothers live apart from their children for a wide range of reasons including: Family breakdown: Mothers having residency (custody) or shared residency
- when a marriage or partnership ends and the mother has shared residency (custody)and she co-parents her child, being a hands on mum on a part-time basis
- when a mother has been granted residency which does not work out in reality, and her child lives with her ex or elsewhere Mothers losing residency due to
• Personal crisis – a mother decides to leave the family home (sometimes only for a short while, but a precedent is set)
• Illness – either mental or physical ill health
• Work status – a mother being a family breadwinner who is not seen as a primary carer by the courts at the time of family breakdown Other reasons for being a mother apart:
• Having a child abducted and taken abroad
• Relinquishing a child through adoption and/or fostering
500,000 married and co-habiting couples were involved in family break-up in 2009. Child Support Agency (CSA) figures show 66,000 Non-Resident mothers were paying maintenance in June 2009.
What are the common emotions, feelings and challenges facing mothers and grandmothers living apart from their children?
• Trauma and shock of separation. Sometimes separation happens quickly and unexpectedly.
• Grief due to the loss everyday motherhood or grandmotherhood. Grief can remain unresolved for many years.
• Loss of having relationships with adult children and grandchildren. The pain of exclusion from important life milestones and significant days of the year.
• Stress, if they are battling with an ex-partner , son or daughter-in-law and trying to help children torn between two parents.
• Guilt, particularly if they have little or no contact with their child. Sometimes harsh judgment from others compounds a mother’s judgement of herself.
• Shame, particularly if a mother has lost residency. Keeping the separation a secret.
• Social stigma – it is still more socially acceptable for men to live apart from their children than women
What’s so special about mothers living apart from their children? Loads of poor fathers have to just get on with it!
Let’s be clear – children need both parents and living apart from a child can be just as traumatic for a man as a woman. That said, the experience of living apart from a child is different for women. For example, women tend to feel strong and long lasting feelings of guilt and shame. It is still more socially acceptable for a man to live without his child than a woman. Women apart from their children experience the stigma and stereotype of ‘unnatural, unfit, abandoning’ mothers who “must have done something very wrong” to be in that position.
I was inspired to write A Mother Apart as I became a mother apart 22 years ago. My marriage came to a traumatic end and in just a few short weeks, at a time of high stress, with a lack of finances, feelings of confusion guilt and not knowing where to get support in a foreign country, the unimaginable happened and I took one of my children back to live with their father. Over the years I found ways of managing my grief and contact with my child, learning from my mistakes to love in the broadest sense and hold on and let go in equal measure. I qualified as a counsellor in 1994 and wrote A Mother Apart as a guide book (it is not my personal story) for other mothers apart. It was the book I needed 22 years ago.
Can you help me with the legal aspects of being a mother living apart from a child?
I am a counsellor, not a legal professional so I cannot give your legal advice. The women I work with are often going through the process of divorce or Children Act proceedings and my role is to support them emotionally during what can be a nerve wracking, stressful and painful process.
Do you offer advice?
Sometimes people ask me for advice. I understand that when you feel desperate - perhaps because access is denied or you have lost residency or you are suffering from Parental Alienation Syndrome (PAS) or Hostile Aggressive Parenting (HAP) as the target parent - you might want someone to tell you what to do to make a very painful situation better. However, it is important to know that counselling is not about giving you the answer, giving advice or taking the problem away. It is best to view counselling as a way of putting things into perspective and opening you up to options and resources that you may not have previously considered. My role is to support you by helping you to develop the skills to help yourself so that by the time we finish working together, you have the inner strength and ability to deal with personal issues without continuing professional help.
What is the difference between counselling and mediation? Do you offer mediation?
Counselling differs from mediation in that it focuses on the client’s needs and not on impartially resolving disputes between two or more people in conflict. Counselling may focus on conflicts and disputes within a relationship past and present, with the aim of helping the client deal with conflict within the relationship but, unlike mediation, it does not aim to reach agreements between couples in conflict. In your counselling sessions we may address how you feel and respond to conflict with your ex-partner, but our work together will not include direct intervention in the conflict itself.
Why telephone or Skype counselling sessions?
Telephone counselling or counselling via Skype is a good option for me to be able to work with you wherever you live. Telephone/Skype counselling is not the same as calling someone working on an advice line. The work we do together will be just as empowering and effective as if we were working together face to face. Most people find that by after the first session, they are completely comfortable having therapy without their therapist being in the same room. Telephone/Skype counselling has other advantages too. Provided that you ensure that you have private, uninterrupted space, you can relax in your own home, avoid the travel costs and time getting to and from sessions and be at home immediately after we say goodbye when your session ends.
Is what I say confidential?
Yes. What is discussed between us will remain confidential and not spoken about outside the counselling setting. However, there are limits to this confidentiality:-
Should I feel you are at risk of harming yourself, being harmed, or harming someone else I may wish to discuss this with an outside party for example my Supervisor or your GP. Unless there are legal reasons involved (e.g. acts of terrorism), I would hope to be able to discuss this with you beforehand.
How long will counselling take?
While most people feel better after their first session, they do not walk away with all the answers. The first session is usually designed you to become familiar with me and for me to get to know you. It is important to remember that depending on the nature and seriousness of the problem, it may take some time, effort and patience to resolve it.
What happens at the first appointment?
The first appointment will be an assessment session during which you will have the opportunity to discuss your current situation and what has prompted you to seek counselling. I will take notes during the first part of this session to enable me to gain an understanding of any relevant family history you may wish to disclose. This session is primarily for us to explore whether we can work together to help you reach the outcome you are aiming for.
How long does a session last?
Each session will last for one hour.
Is there a cancellation policy?
I usually require 48 hours notice of any cancellations otherwise the full fee will be required. Where possible I will endeavour to re-arrange your appointment so that you can be seen within the same week.
How do I make a payment?
Payment can be made by electronic transfer if you have internet banking or by PayPal via my website, in advance of each session.
Do you always charge for therapy?
Yes, working as a counsellor is how I earn my living. I do however offer a limited number of concessionary counselling places.
Do you work with women and men?
Although I specialise in working with women who live apart from their children and grandchildren and/or who need help with divorce and family break up problems, I do work with men who are non resident parents experiencing difficulties such as loss of contact, problems with ex wives and shared parenting, PAS or HAS related problems and so on.
How do I book a session?
Click here to find out more about booking a session.
Still not sure or feeling confused?
Why not phone me or send an email so we can discuss your needs and I can answer your questions directly?
